Just some thoughts about love...

Some of the most beautiful people are the ones with the most flaws; some of the strongest hearts have been broken the most times; some of the kindest souls have been through the most pain.

Their beauty isn't *despite* these experiences, but because of them. Scars and cracks, visible or not, are signs that the person has survived something and come out better - signs of strength, not weakness.

When someone allows you close enough into their private world to see their fears and weaknesses, be grateful for it, & love them all the more. There is a great amount of trust needed to be able to expose the most vulnerable part of one's nature to another person, and as such should be repaid with gratitude and love.

You can never truly know someone until you know their flaws and understand the experiences that shaped them into the person standing before you, & you can never truly love someone until that knowledge makes you respect them more & want to protect them from future harm.

Changes

Sometimes things come along that leave an indelible mark on you whether you choose to embrace it or not. One tiny moment can have a cascading impact that redefines who you are forever. It's that visible alteration, however unintended, that makes a single experience life changing. Maybe it brings a new spark of light to your soul, or maybe it brings sorrow that ultimately makes you stronger. Some things change you whether you ask for it or not. But one thing is certain - if it is truly important, there is nothing you can do to change the way it affects you and no way to stop people from noticing the resulting shift.

LEGOs: educational innovation?

I recently learned that LEGO has given some rather large grants to schools in 14 regions nationwide. Basically, students will play with LEGOs starting in Kindergarten all the way through their Senior year of high school, & it will magically turn them into 21st century leaders. The news article I read touted playtime as being remarkably beneficial to children, as if this was some sort of new discovery they had made. 

Here's the thing: our school systems have removed playtime. PE has been cut out almost completely. Remember gym class everyday, sports outside, running the track, dodgeball....yeah none of that happens anymore. PE happens less than once a week now. And recess? Yep, that's been cut down too. So has art & music - all things shown to be highly beneficial to children.

So they've removed the opportunities for our children to have optimal learning conditions, & then requested grants from name brand companies to reintroduce the same opportunities with *their* products. Did I get that right? Now, I'm all for charitable donations. If LEGO wants to give their products to students then by all means, that's wonderful. What gets me is this - the school system in return gives $80K into this LEGO program as well. So it's not really a gift, but a matching promotion. And it's not to be spread out equally across the entire school districts, oh no, it's only certain schools within the regions chosen that receive this "opportunity". Certainly then it must be the lowest performing, lowest income, most at-risk student population schools then? Oh wait... no, it's not.

Before you think "gee Gypsy's just jealous because her kid can't play with LEGOs in school"...think again. My kid is in one of the schools in one of the 14 regions nationwide. And I'm effing pissed. Let me explain why: 

I get that these nifty little stacking bricks provide hand-eye coordination, encourage creativity, foster engineering skills, spatial awareness, & other neurosynaptic wonders. What I *don't* understand is why we don't reinstate PE, music, art, & actually introduce foreign languages as a mandatory topic in elementary school. I also fail to understand why this grant goes all the way through high school. I can buy into the idea of LEGOs being beneficial as a K-3 learning tool, but beyond that.... not really. 

$160K per school district is being spent to ensure that children play with a common, albeit increasingly expensive, household toy. Broken down, that's $40K from LEGO, $40K from the Education Blueprints Association, & $80K matched from the school district. It's that last $80K that I'm particularly pissed about.

That $80K, if spread out amongst all the schools in the district or - *heaven forbid* be given to the most at-risk schools - could go a hell of a lot further than some bags of LEGOs. As someone who works with the developmentally disabled, my first thought went to that particular segment of the population. They are underserved, under staffed, ignored, misunderstood, and marginalized. Children with special needs receive limited services through 5th grade at which point they are mainstreamed with less or no services or placed in a separate track - one that basically says "you aren't worth trying to educate anymore". That $80K could go towards employing more special needs teachers who are actually trained to deal with the challenges these children face and who know how to appreciate the abilities they have instead of having overworked teachers who leave their classroom to teacher aides who sit on their cell phones all day. These children have real capabilities and real learning potential, and they're ignored. Their needs are nowhere near met, and it infuriates me. Does nobody realize that people with special needs have so much potential, and most can be fully productive citizens if only given the support they need? 

What about the at-risk kids - low income, foster care, gang related, those kinds of students? They're often in neighbourhoods that are poorer, which translates to schools that are inadequate. I currently volunteer in one of those actually, where the teachers are given a limited supply of printer paper & once it's gone for the year it's gone. The differences between schools in a low income neighbourhood & a high income one is astonishing, but nobody seems to care to equalize it. Does nobody realize that these children are our next generation, whether or not they are rich or poor? Why aren't they all given the same opportunities? Does nobody realize that those who are economically disadvantaged are more likely to have an array of difficulties and discrimination in life that *starts* with an inadequate education?

I could carry on about the segments of students that are inadequately served, and how they are at even more of a disadvantage by virtue of our current educational setup, but I won't. Those reading who understand my frustration will already be aware of the issues, and those who don't will have enough to contemplate with just those examples. 

So this is my closing thought - why aren't these fantastic STEM (science/math/engineering/technology) improving LEGO grants being given to the autism programs, the low income schools, the deaf/blind community, or other kids who could benefit from it so much more than your average middle class student? Better yet, *why* are these administrators not aware of the impact their $80K match could have if spread out amongst those who need it most? 

Our school system is failing, & I'm ashamed to say that my kid is the one sitting in class playing with $160K LEGOs while your kid may be sharing pencils & paper with their classmate, waiting to take a turn to write out an inadequate exercise because the school simply can't afford anything better.

This is not equality. This is not serving the needs of all. This is not right. This is our educational system failing our children, as a nation, as a whole, by ensuring that the gap between the haves & have nots grows even more in the next generation.

Define "NEED"

Do you ever stop to wonder just how many things in your life you take for granted? While you're complaining about your day & how unfair it is that your barista forgot to add chocolate shavings to your fancy $5 coffee, did you remember to be grateful for the fact that you could read the menu? I'll bet you a $5 cup of coffee that you didn't even think twice about that! Maybe after this post you'll start looking at the world a little differently, & stop complaining about your luxuries so much.

I picked up a gentleman at the airport tonight, welcoming him to his first day in the United States. He, like so many other refugees, speaks only a handful of English words. All I can say is, it's amazing how much you can communicate with hand gestures. On the drive to his new home, I wondered if he was scared. I know I would be if i just came to a brand new country & didn't know a single thing. I wondered what made him leave (although, knowing his country of origin I have a fairly good idea of what he fled from) & if he was leaving anyone behind. He is....one of his few English words is "parents". I had a lot of trouble with the fact that he would be spending his first night in a strange country completely alone in an empty room. Turns out, he has a roommate, & although my next concern was that they couldn't communicate they soon found that they each speak just enough of another language to be able to have some conversation. For some reason this made me feel better. 

Being a refugee in a new land must be one of the scariest experiences ever. Imagine not only having endured something horrific but being in a completely new place, unable to understand or read the language, with no friends, no family, and a suitcase full of stuff. And nothing else. 

The resiliency of all of the people I have met never ceases to amaze me. Some of them speak 3 languages but can't read at all because they had to focus on safety instead of education. Some of them have Master's degrees but can't find work here. Some of them work jobs that your average American wouldn't dare consider, & they do it with pride because they are working. All of them - regardless of where they came from - have left a situation so horrible that virtually nobody in this country will ever have anything to compare it to. It's the same story over & over again: war, genocide, death, rape, famine, fear. Over & over again, every single day.  And they persevere. I am constantly humbled by this work that I'm fortunate enough to do. 

Anyway, back to tonight. As this gentleman was being shown his new home, everything from how to use the restroom to how to use a blanket to lessons about keeping the doors locked for safety, I suddenly realized that ... there really was nothing. A mattress, some toiletries, a small couch, a kitchen table....just the bare basics. No tv, no books, no artwork, nothing. And my heart sank. Here was this man who has all of his worldly possessions in one small bag and now he gets to reside in an empty home in a strange land. In an instant I thought about what some of these people could do all day....& basically they'd stare at the walls. Some clients practice writing or reading or speaking their English all day long in hopes of learning enough to get a job soon, but how do you do that without any books or tv or connection to anyone? 

Very quickly & very shamefully I realized that I have a small tv that sits unused in my house, waiting to hopefully be sold for $20 or so on craigslist or at a garage sale. But it could go to so much more use being given away to someone who could use it as a means to start learning English. So guess what's going over there tomorrow, along with a whole bunch of other stuff I don't need. 

There's this thing about the word "need". People throw it around like crazy. Define "need". The closets full of new clothes or racks of shoes? Not an actual need. The piles of toys? Not a need. Shelves of dvds or cds? Nope. Highlighted hair & tipped nails? Not a need either. Food, shelter, education, safety - those are needs. Everything else is a bonus. We live in such an obliviously gluttonous society, & if you take just a moment to look at the reality of others it would make you rethink everything. Maybe even what this constant overspending is teaching our children - that self indulgent materialism is better than compassion & social justice.

Here's an exercise, if you've read this far, please do it. Or at least think about it: 

Gather up everything you love. Then put everything you would "absolutely need" to have & pack it in a suitcase. Just one suitcase, standard checked baggage size. Now look around at EVERYTHING ELSE YOU HAVE. Do you need all of that? See if you can find it in your heart to fill up just 2 trash bags full of some of that extra "stuff" & give it to someone who literally has nothing. If there's a refugee relocation service in your area, give it to them. If not, give it to a homeless shelter. But really truly think about how much stuff you have that you don't "need"....honestly, you probably won't miss those 2 trash bags full at all. Not one bit. But it could mean so much to someone who literally has nothing. 

The next time you order that $5 half caff 3 splenda sugar free carmel coffee.....stop for just a second to be grateful for the fact that instead of scrambling away from gunfire or hiding from murderers and rapists, you were in school as a child. Realize that just by virtue of the fact that you're standing in that coffee shop reading the menu with money to spend on a $5 cup of coffee, that you are blessed more than many people in this world are. If your biggest complaint is that the hairdresser got your shade of blonde wrong or the driver in front of you is too slow, then be thankful. Such a tiny shift in perception can have such a large impact.

Let me know when you get rid of those 2 bags full of unnecessary stuff....

Immigration "reform"

Listening to Republicans discuss immigration reform makes my brain hurt. Mexicans bring drugs, prostitution, and torture by coming across the border?! REALLY?! People DO NOT flee their countries through dangerous, possibly deadly conditions just to pop across the border for vacation. They go because they would rather RISK DEATH than continue to live under the conditions they are in. I think it's important for people to remember that unless you are 100% Native American, *our* ancestors all came to the United States by - wait for it - leaving some sort of oppressive conditions in their country of birth! Whether it was unjust taxation, unemployment, or ravages of war....we ALL came from immigrants! We are a nation FOUNDED by immigrants.

So the real question is: what type of people get on the boat (so to speak) then pull up the remaining entryways, shove off shore, & wave back saying "too bad for you - suckers!" Certainly not the type of people I want to associate with.

I'm 3rd/4th generation American depending on which family member you look at. My ancestors left Hungary & Germany to make a better life for their children because the conditions they were living in were unfavourable. Their journey was not much different than immigrants of today...family was separated & people were left behind, & those who came here struggled to build a new life. I'm proud of my heritage & don't forget for a *second* that if the types of immigration "reform" being discussed today was on the table last century, I would probably be a peasant farmer instead of a social worker.

We live in a country with more abundance than virtually ALL of the rest of the countries in the world yet we are instituting some of the most penalizing policies for citizens & non citizens alike. We, as a nation, supposedly fight against global tyranny & yet we are perpetrators ourselves. Take a look back through *your* heritage & think about where you would be if *your* ancestor didn't emigrate here. And shame on anyone who would deny that right to others.

Immigrants are not a danger to "our way of life". In the United States, immigration IS the way of life! The danger comes in locking down borders & refusing to give aide to those who need it. Do you know what other countries did that? Let's see....North Korea, communist Russia,  & myriad other oppressive regimes. That's the road we're headed on as we slowly & systematically strip away the rights of citizens (women's rights infringements anyone? punitive social welfare policies?) & lock down our borders. 

We may be on the verge of the first generation where people LEAVE the United States to find a better life.

Life is so mysterious at times...

There are moments in life when we think the world is going to end. We all have them. We can all pinpoint an event that makes us think that life as we know it is over for sure. Most of mine revolve around my marriage, or ending thereof. See I got married first in secret so that I could be added to our health insurance plan so my baby could have adequate medical care. I hated that date. I never recognized it because it felt like a lie....it was a lie! Then I got married 2 months later in a "real" ceremony so our friends & family could attend. But it was still a lie, since we were already married. I felt like I cheated my family, I let them down, I robbed myself, and nothing was right. But I was married and committed & I was going to honour that. Then two years & one more child later he left. And on the day that I recognized as our anniversary, I mourned. I mourned all the things that could have been, that should have been, & that would never be. Things *should* have been very very different from the start, there's no doubt about that, they *could* have been very different if we had both made different choices, and who knows what *would* have been. Regardless, I mourned. 

Until today. 

Today I got an email reminder about my acceptance to grad school. Now, grad school is exciting in itself but it's important to note that I would never have gone back to school for my Bachelors if it wasn't for my divorce. I went back to school to ensure a solid future for my children. It was either school, or a life of waiting tables. I chose school. And it's been hard. The last two years have been exhausting and there have been days that I've thought I couldn't push through anymore. Thank goodness I have a select few amazing friends who keep me going! Grad school wasn't exactly my end goal, but here I am about to embark on yet another year to earn a higher degree. Exciting! 

So what was the big news about this email? 

Well, for one it was a reminder to accept the invitation - which clearly I didn't know I needed to do. Oops. But for two, it was an invitation to attend orientation before summer classes start. When is that orientation you ask? Oh my, well, it's the date that would be my 7th wedding anniversary this year. And I was so excited to click "accept" on that form. 

You see, every ending is the start of a new beginning. I don't regret my marriage. I wish things were different, sure, many many things, but I don't regret it. It made me who I am today. It put me on the path that I'm on now, which I have no doubt is where I'm supposed to be. Sure there are days where I wish I had someone to come home to & I wish my children knew what it was like to have two parents in one house... but that's not my path. My path involves being an advocate for others, and the fact that my orientation to complete my education is on a day that once held so much sorrow but now holds so much excitement is just a testament to the fact this THIS IS RIGHT. 

May 21st will forever be an anniversary...but now it will be an anniversary of the day I started down the road to becoming who I'm meant to be. Sometimes things fall apart so that better things can come together.

And I will always celebrate it.

Glamour response - that was fast!

Just got an email with a response from Glamour. I wonder if anything will come of it?  - 

Thank you for writing to Glamour to share your thoughts on "Inside the Night of 1,000 Dos & Don'ts" story in our March issue. We value your feedback, and I have passed your e-mail along to the top editors, including Editor-in-Chief Cindi Leive.

I look forward to hearing your comments on future issues of Glamour.

Many thanks,
Michelle Meyers
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